Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
