Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
