so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
