No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
