I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
