Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
