so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
