Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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