Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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