I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
