Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
