if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
