You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
40s are totally the cure
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
