i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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