Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
