I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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