This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
