I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
