A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
