Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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