I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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