I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
