I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
