after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
