Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
