i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
