I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
