So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
