after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
