I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
