Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
