I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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