My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
