I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
