I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
