you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
