I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
