so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
