Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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