Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
