Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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