I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
