"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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