After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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