sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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