my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
