I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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