Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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