Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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