I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
