As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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