I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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