Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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