Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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