I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
