T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
